Wednesday, January 25, 2012

A Little Suggestion for the Husbands Out There (NOW UPDATED!)

Guys, if you wake up on a January morning in Montana to find the weather unseasonably warm and steady rain falling, but your driveway is a solid sheet of ice from the previous week's record-setting snow, mostly plowed (for which your wife is thankful) with the remaining snow packed down solid, please know that the once walkable and drivable ice will no longer be passable by any method with the addition of that rain causing puddles on the surface. Any attempt at getting a vehicle down to the highway to put your child on a school bus will be futile. But if it is very important to get your son to school because it is only his second day, having been homeschooling for four and a half years, and so you, by some amazing feat of navigation, do manage to slip and slide out of the driveway, make the turn onto the road and safely navigate the downhill stretch (which ends at the highway), managing to stop at the bottom of the hill before being hit by the speeding cross traffic so that you can drive your son to school--since he would have clearly missed the bus by now--and then call your wife on the cell phone to go out behind the barn and check on the spare set of studded tires that has been parked there since they came off the last van you owned, in order to find the numbers on them and see if they will fit the new van so you don't have to go to the tire shop in town to buy a new set of studs, please remember to remind your wife that 1) she should bring along paper and pencil to write down the lengthy string of numbers or bring her cell phone to call them in to you from out behind the barn (one or the other would be sufficient, for without either one, she will be forced to memorize them and repeat them back to herself for the entire lengthy and treacherous trip back to the house), and, 2) she should not attempt to traverse the ice to the shop, then cross the untrodden snow to the barn and then dig through the heavy drifts of snow piled next to the barn where the snow has slid from the barn's roof to get to the old set of studded her open-heeled bedroom slippers. Please. I beg of you; remind her to put on socks and shoes first. Perhaps even boots. That is all.

UPDATE: In addition to all of the above, you yourself, men, should probably not head out for this type of morning in your own bedroom slippers either, just in case you find that, upon returning from the trip to school and the tire shop (having learned that you technically can use the studded tires stored in the snow bank behind the barn, although it is not recommended because of the difference in size), you are unable to get the van with its current tires back up the hill to the driveway. For, if you cannot climb the hill after several attempts and end up sliding backward into the ditch, you may then be forced to find some way to get your vehicle out of the ditch, find a safe place to park it where it will not be hit by other sliding vehicles, and then walk the third of a mile home over the treacherous ice covered with icy puddles of rain your bedroom slippers.


Jeannie said...

Hmmm, sounds like very good advice. Wish I had been there to witness the event.

Melissa said...

Hahaha! I'm sure you're ready to kill him, but it IS kinda funny. :) Glad everybody is safe! Visiting you today from By Word of Mouth.