Saturday, November 26, 2011

Coming Soon To YouTube

I'm sure there were hidden cameras recording it. I kept laughing aloud (for real, not the lolz kind) at the ridiculousness of it all and yet he still insisted that he was completely serious. I actually asked him where the cameras were at one point and he managed to keep his face blank and his voice completely neutral as if he had no idea what I was talking about.

But the cameras were there; I'm sure of it. He's probably editing the footage right now, quietly busting a gut as he prepares to publish the video to YouTube.

My dear, patient fourteen year old son tried to teach me to play Portal 2 tonight on his xBOX 360.

Mind you, I haven't played video games since the trusty Atari 2600 of my childhood and teen years. At one time, I could find my way around a PacMan board, I'm telling you. I also rocked Asteroids, Space Invaders, Centipede, Berserk, Galaxian, Zaxxon, Dig Dug, Q*Bert, Donkey Kong, Frogger and that Star Wars game where you had to shoot the AT-ATs (although that one was boring as all get out). I was downright handy with the joystick.

But this xBOX controller is hilarious. There are TWO joysticks, seven buttons plus one multi-directional button, and four triggers! How in the world is a person supposed to keep this all straight? Turn and shoot, or run and jump--that's all I had to do with my trusty 2600 controller. That's it. The controller I was using tonight has more things to push and manipulate than I have fingers on both hands combined. And it vibrates with the action, just in case you need one more distraction.

Granted, the game I was playing, at least according to my son, is fairly simplistic (!) so it only requires the two joysticks and a button to pick things up and two of the triggers.

Are you seeing the scene in his bedroom? I'll relay a little part of it to you here, just in case the cameras malfunctioned.

What do I do?

You have to go over to that box and pick it up.


Because you need it to open the door.

I need a box to open a door?

Yes. Just pick it up and go put it on the big red button.

How do I pick it up?

Just push X.

Which one is X?

This one.

Ok, now what?

Take it to the red button and put it down.

Why do I need to do that?

The door won't unlock unless you do.

How was I supposed to know that?

Because I already told you.

But what if you weren't here with me; then how would I know I have to pick up a box and set it on a red button to open the door?

Ok, Mom, it's not really a hard game. It's just basic puzzles to figure out and it hasn't even started to get hard yet. This is the easy stuff.

Ok. I opened the door and I'm going through it. Then what?

Go down those stairs and into the elevator.


To get to the next room.

With another closed door, I suppose. What is the actual point here? What am I trying to accomplish?

You're just trying to survive. You can die in this game, you know.

I can? How? How many lives do I get?

What do you mean?

I mean how many times can I die before the game is over?

Um, I guess unlimited. The game isn't over until you turn it off. You just have to start that level over again.

So there's not really any penalty for getting killed?

Ok, that's not the point here, Mom. You need to go down the hall into the big room--now push that button next to the door. Not THAT one, the other one.

How was I supposed to know which button to push?

Because you already pushed the other one.

I did?

Yes, don't you remember you went through the orange portal? So now you are over here, by the blue portal. See? The other button was back before you passed through the portal.

But they look exactly the same.

I know they do, but can't you see how you went through the orange portal and now you are on the other side?

Not really. I just see the blue portal.

That's because you already went through it. You can't have a blue portal without an orange portal. Push the button.

Ok, I pushed it, but the door didn't open.

That's because you didn't push all the buttons yet. You have to go back through the blue portal again.

But I didn't go through a blue portal before; I went through an orange one.

Right. That means you came through the blue one and you have to go back to get to the other buttons. Doesn't that make sense to you?


Seriously, Mom? This isn't the hard stuff yet. Ok, just go through there. Push the button. Turn around. Go toward the other button--not THAT one; you already pushed that one, remember? Ok. Good. Now, see how the arrows lit up so the door could open?

I have to light up the arrows to get the door to open? I thought I had to pick up a box and put it on the big red button for the door to open.

Not this time. This room didn't have a box.

So now I go through these doors and get in the elevator, right?

Yes! Good! Do you feel like it's making more sense now?

[more silence]


Hey, maybe the video will go viral like David After Dentist and we'll sell advertising and t-shirts and make its own website and it will pay for college! Pardon me, I have to go check on the boy editing the footage.

Come to think of it, that AT-AT game wasn't so bad after all.


Jeannie said...

Um...Sherry, I hate to tell you this, but perhaps it's time for you to know...all of your questions and responses like what I would have said. Tano's instructions would have left me completely confused, but your questions and responses...were very logical to me.

Do you realize what this means?

GAHCindy said...

LOL! My favorite pastime is video games. Well, right after books and blogging. It's pretty high on the list, anyhow. I'm laughing at you, but in the nicest way possible. Also, sighing a little, because the newer games are getting away from me. My reflexes aren't what they used to be, so it's getting a lot harder to win these newer generation games. Sad, sad. My little brain is wired for side-scrolling 2D action, I guess. I love the new stuff, but I need my hubby's help to beat some of them. Don't tell anybody I told you that.