Sunday, December 16, 2007

Thoughts Before Bed

I am in bed early, feeling like writing something, but unsure of what it is. Forgive me if I ramble.

Life continues to go on with no regard for grief or fatigue or uncertain steps. And it doesn't seem to get any easier. Moments of love, togetherness and laughter help to lighten the load--but not for long. The underlying theme seems to be one of difficulty, of heartache and weariness.

My son chose as one of his new CD's, an album by Seventh Day Slumber called Finally Awake. The band has a really good sound and it is made up of some solid Christian guys whom my son respects. Listening to his CD blaring through the house last night, I took note of the last song, called "Every Saturday." The chorus is so honest, so raw:

I’m barely hanging on
With all these empty feelings
I’m hurting in so many ways
And though I can’t begin
To understand the reason
I still believe that You’re God

I guess that's where we are living right now, hurting in so many ways, barely hanging on.

But there is also my daughter sleeping happily on the floor of her room to be closer to her Christmas tree. And there are my son's beautifully designed thank-you cards he made for a few family friends who have given him gifts recently. And there was the clear sky and gorgeous sunshine on the snowy peaks this morning. And there was laughter with friends at church and the lovely dinner that Ruth made afterwards. And there was a nap on the couch in my husband's arms this afternoon. Oh, and there is the excitement of attending my brother's wedding later this month.

I don't know where I'd be without these things.

We are trusting and we are waiting and we are looking for little glimpses of beauty and grace as we travel the difficult path through this dark valley.

His mercies are new every morning. I wonder what tomorrow holds in store.


CML_Shearings said...

Your comments fit your photo at the top of your blog. When it's dark in the valley, you can still look to the light on the mountain peaks & be reminded from whom your help comes. I praise God that He walks through each & every season of our lives with us. Esther lost her job this last week, so we are not sure what that will mean for her or us. She had come back home only a week earlier after her girlfriend kicked her out of the studio apt. they were sharing. Today I will be sitting in the surgical center with Brooke Thompson, while Janie has a large mass removed from her neck. The latest body scan revealed that her lymphoma has spread throughout her body. You met Brooke when we visited their home near the Charlie Waters Campsite area up Bass Creek.

Dad said...

I hear your sadness. Know that your father loves you and prays for you daily. Even more so, know your heavenly Father loves you so much more. He knows what is happening, understands your feelings, and has a plan. It is difficult for us to understand what happens around us and to us, but God is still in control.
Our Bible study has been in Daniel, and I can relate to the instances it humanly looked like God had lost control of the situation, but in the end, He had a plan. He doesn't always take us around problems, but does always show His presence as we go through the difficult times.

I love you,